Elephants: The Most Important System I Have
When the robots take over, human connection will be one of the most important things left. And we can only help kids develop this capacity by building it ourselves. Here’s the system that’s made me a better parent, and has helped me build the muscle. Originally at moverell.com/elephants
Men in their 30s and 40s are lonely. The data is grim. Friendships fade, work consumes everything, kids arrive, priorities shift. You can go weeks without a real conversation with another adult male. Loneliness is apparently as bad for your health as smoking, and it gets worse with age.
I have something that stopped this for me. It’s been running 8 years now, and I wish every man had something like it. It’s called Elephants.
Yeh, it’s awkward to explain
Is it a peer group? An accountability group? A men’s group? Sort of all three, sort of none of them.
When one of our quarterly calls means I need to cancel something else, the first reaction is usually a raised eyebrow. “That sounds… weird.” But when I explain it, the skepticism fades. I’ve noticed this especially from female friends, wishing their husbands had something similar.
So here’s my attempt to describe it properly.
Credit where it’s due
My friend Nick Crocker wrote the original prescription back in 2014: The Elephants: A system for better living.
Stop here and go read his post first. He’s since built an impressive investing career, but I think Elephants may be his greatest gift to the world.
If you need the one-line version: Elephants is a small group of peers who commit to radical honesty, goal-setting and regular check-ins over many years.
This post is my reflection after 8 years of Elephants, plus practical notes on what’s worked for us. Nick gave us the “what” and “why.” I’m adding the “how” and “what I’ve learned.”
Why this matters
Elephants has clearly made my life richer.
I’ve become a better husband, parent, and friend. I’ve made better decisions, have more clarity in my goals, and more accountability for following through with them. And I get to deeply know and support 3 other mates in every aspect of their lives.
It’s the most important system I have.
The 30s and 40s shape the rest of your life. Habits and systems you build now will compound for decades. And so does what you neglect.
I’m sharing because I want more people to have this, or something like it. It’s one of the few things I’ve done that I’d recommend to almost any man.
The main thing: getting the group right
Everything else is easier if you nail this. And it’s nearly impossible to change later.
Nick’s original guidance:
The most critical factor in a successful Elephants system is the group’s composition. You need to choose people you can trust completely… The power of the group ultimately comes from its transparency.
He’s right. Here’s what that looked like for us.
What actually mattered
Strategic lack of diversity. Similarity has been a strength, and was one of the criteria from the guy who curated our group. We have roughly similar backgrounds, stage of life, professional contexts. This shared experience means we can easily empathize with each other, and quickly get to the meat of any issue.
Shared values. The other ingoing criteria: a commitment to self-improvement, and willingness to try something new, while taking it seriously. This might be hard to screen for, but is critical. Questions I’d ask people if starting a new group: What does a good life look like to you? and What sort of things are you doing to make it a reality? You’re looking for rough alignment, not perfect overlap.
Long-term commitment. In our kickoff call, one of the guys said: “If we’re not going to commit for 10+ years, then I’m not interested.” That struck me as unusually intense. In hindsight, it was the most important thing anyone said that day. It changed how we thought about the investment, how we showed up, and our patience when things got harder.
Practically: timezones. We were initially split across two timezones, which was easy enough. Now it’s 3, which is manageable but hard—especially for getting together in person. If you can find people in your city or region, do it.
Group size. Four feels exactly right. Enough diversity of perspective, small enough that everyone gets real time. Three or five might work, but I’m doubtful.
What didn’t matter
Deep existing friendships. We had varying degrees of ingoing friendship. We knew of each other, but weren’t all close. This was fine: you’re building something new together. Starting fresh can be an advantage.
Following a precise template. We used Nick’s essay as a starting point, but not a prescription. Like anything in life, there’s no single correct way to do it.
The kickoff: how we started
The spirit was deep disclosure. Sharing who you are and what you want. Establishing trust from day one. Ours was a very long Zoom call. IRL would be better if you can swing it. We spent about 90 minutes per person.
Each person shared
Part 1: Who am I? A brief history. Your superpowers. Your darkside and shadows. The point is to share more than you’re comfortable with.
Part 2: Who do I want to be? Your vision. Your goals. Where you want to be in 10 years.
Then established rules of the game
We agreed to a few core norms that have held:
Absolute confidentiality. Nothing shared—including with partners—unless explicitly agreed in advance. This sounds extreme, but it’s what creates real openness.
Long-term orientation. We agreed to be in it for the long haul.
Commitment to rhythms. A working agreement for how often we’d show up, and in what format.
The rhythms: what we actually do
Annual review (the big one)
When: First week of January
Format: 4-6 hours total, 60-90 minutes per person
Medium: IRL is best if possible, otherwise it’s a mega-video call.
The structure is simple: look back, then look forward. Review goals from the prior year. Reflections on highlights and challenges. Then goals for the year ahead.
I use roughly the same sections each year, but consistency is more important than a precise structure: Self/health, Family, Work/professional, Friends/community, Growth, Play, Finance.
Quarterly check-ins
When: End of each quarter
Format: 3-4 hours, about 60 minutes per person
Medium: FaceTime
These are often framed around a key challenge or area for discussion. We review last quarter’s goals, share what happened, and set goals for the next quarter. Shorter than the annual, but more frequent. They keep the momentum going.
Weekly updates
When: Weekly, every Monday
Format: Few paragraphs or bullets, reflections from the week
Medium: Google Doc
We have a shared Google Doc that we reset quarterly (because comments make it slow on iOS). Everyone shares a weekly update by Monday night, with comments from others by midweek. Format varies by person, usually a few paragraphs covering the week.
Plus: a WhatsApp group for the in-between. Quick shares, photos, life updates that don’t wait for Monday.
What’s worked for us
Every group will find its own rhythms. Here’s what’s stuck for us.
Layered cadence. Annual + quarterly + weekly. The weekly keeps you connected in real time. The quarterly forces reflection. The annual allows deeper reset. Each part of the system does an important job.
Written over recorded. Some groups record video goals. We’ve never tried that. What works for us: written goals in the shared doc, reviewed and commented on by the group. It’s not cinematic, but it’s stuck for 8 years.
Simple tools, used consistently. Google Docs. FaceTime. WhatsApp. Nothing fancy. The tools almost don’t matter. What matters is showing up, in the same place, week after week.
8 years of learnings
Years of shared context
Every one of us has had a major crossroads or life decision. Careers, relationships, health. When something serious comes up, the group can step in immediately. Not only because we’re smart and caring (though we are!). Because we have years of shared context: that person’s history, their patterns, their blind spots. There’s no shortcut here; it comes from years of showing up.
Deepening takes time
In the early years, updates were more surface-level. Career moves. Life logistics. Big decisions. Now, they go much deeper, in every format. Even the weekly update is a place for deep reflection, or sharing of a serious question/issue. Now I’m regularly sharing things that would have seemed crazy to me in year one.
Life alignment matters
Kids arriving, careers shifting, relationships evolving. Moving through these together matters. There’s something to experiencing the big phases of life roughly in sync, that has felt important. I’ve joked (but am actually serious) that we’ll be giving each other eulogies.
Weekly doc is the heartbeat
I was initially skeptical of the weekly update (and scared of the time commitment). But it’s become part of my weekly routine, and is what keeps the group alive between calls. And now I have 8yrs of weekly written reflections—a literal gold mine for coaching and meta-reflection. If anyone misses a week (which almost never happens), we all feel it.
You are the average of your Elephants
This statement has become true, for me at least. And it speaks to the importance of doing this with people you respect and admire, in different ways.
Common questions
Q: “How could I possibly have time for this?”
A: The weekly doc takes 10-20 minutes. Quarterly calls are a few hours, four times a year. Annual is one weekend. Compare that to time spent scrolling, or in meetings that don’t matter. You have time. You’re just spending it elsewhere.
Q: “How do you find the right people?”
A: Start with one person you trust, who leads a life you respect. Ask them who else they’d trust in this kind of setting. Build from there. Four is the right number.
Q: “What if someone wants out?”
A: We haven’t experienced this, and I suspect it would be hard. You couldn’t just add someone new: the whole dynamic would change. There’s a fragility here I didn’t expect. Once the group is formed and has years of shared history, it becomes its own thing. You need to protect it. This is why getting the initial composition right matters so much.
Q: “Does it ever feel like work?”
A: Sometimes. Usually Sunday night when I haven’t done my update yet. But the payoff is obvious, so the friction passes quickly.
If this resonates
I wish every man in their compounding years had a system like this.
It doesn’t need to be this exact system. Nick’s framework is one version, ours is another. But something that creates:
A committed group of peers
Regular rhythms of honest sharing
Years of compounding context and trust
If you’re a man in your 30s or 40s (or any age, really), you probably need this more than you think. The raised eyebrows will fade.
Start with Nick’s post , or share this one. If it resonates, take the first step and find one other person, then another.
If you want help getting started, reach out. I’d be delighted to help.
I remember reading the original post over a decade ago. It certainly stayed with me.
Loved seeing how you've brought this idea to life.
I've been part of many temporary versions of this over the years (men's circles, multi-month leadership programs etc), but the idea of having a circle that goes the distance with you is powerful.